I am thrilled to introduce a guest blogger today! My son, Andrew, tells us why he is going to
Uganda. As a mom, it is so difficult to
watch your child go through hard things.
But when you put it in proper perspective, you realize that it was all
God, all along. He was always
there. It was all by Him, for Him,
through Him and all for His glory. How
excited I am to share this experience with my son and see what God will
continue to do in his life!
Without further ado, here’s Andrew….
Toward the end of May, I will be leaving the United States
for the first time on a flight to Ethiopia, where I will head to Uganda. I will
be leaving the comfort of my home and family for ten days, with a mission.
A
mission that I have been preparing for my whole life.
The story begins more than ten years ago with an epiphany I
received while crying alone in my bedroom. My frustration was due to a
misunderstanding of God, and a feeling of unacceptance and judgment coming
mostly from other Christians. I have been a scientist (at least in spirit) from
a very young age. Logic and reason have always been my best friends. At this
time I was spending hours on a regular basis studying biology, paleontology,
and physics purely for enjoyment. I had my own computer and used it extensively
to read up on these subjects as well as the latest scientific news. I loved
learning and wanted to be a science fiction writer or scientist myself someday.
Unfortunately, all around me I was facing heavy resistance
from the Christians in my life against my burgeoning thirst for knowledge and
my embrace of the scientific views on the history of the universe. I believed
in evolution and the fact that the earth was millions of years old. Just look
at the fossil record! Radiometric dating proves the earth is ancient! In my
view the evidence was hard to argue with, and we needed to reconcile what we
believed about God with the newest information. No one around me (save for my
science teachers) wanted to even discuss the possibility that these things
could be true. I felt condemned for believing them. Apparently I was supposed
to simply ignore it all and read the bible more. However, my mind doesn’t work
that way.
As you will see more later, I can’t let ANYTHING go. I can’t
ignore ANYTHING. I think, and I think, and I reason, and I never stop. This
component of my personality has been immortalized by a story my parents love to
tell of a question I asked them when I was only about four years old. I asked
them how I could get my brain to stop talking to me. I chuckle thinking about
that even now. I wasn’t hearing voices. I just had a song stuck in my head.
Thoughts tend to get stuck in my head.
So there I was, alone in my room, crying because I felt very confused, unaccepted, and condemned. I felt as though thinking about or talking to God only made me feel bad, because I could never live up to standards set by everyone else. I realized that the entire reason I was sitting in my room crying and feeling terrible all the time, was because of Christianity. Because I was constantly being told what to do and what to think and nothing outside of the norm was accepted. I simply didn’t fit into the mold.
And thus I had an epiphany…THERE IS NO GOD! The realization
instantly wiped my tears away. I no longer felt any guilt or sadness. I thought
it must be true, after all religion only oppresses people, and science has been
suppressed by religion for centuries. This realization only renewed my interest
in the sciences and I spent even more time reading. I became an avid reader of
nearly everything, and my ideas about life were shaped by science, logic, and
science fiction.
I read a ton of science fiction, and I got my start after
inheriting a box of my dad’s old sci-fi novels. I have nearly become a sci-fi
expert. I have read everything from Jules Verne and H. G. Wells to Olaf
Stapledon to the Golden Age authors (my favorites!) Isaac Asimov, Arthur C.
Clarke, Robert Heinlein, Philip K. Dick, and modern authors as well. I learned
I prefer Hard Sci-Fi and space opera. My ideas about life were certainly shaped
heavily by these authors.
Many people like to say that right and wrong can only come
from God, and that atheists are not moral people. I begged to differ. I have always considered myself to be a
caring and ethical person. I have always viewed it this way: I can feel pain,
and I know what suffering feels like. I don’t like the way that feels. I know
that other people can feel that way to, and that they don’t like it either. I
know that my actions can influence whether others feel bad or good. Therefore I
will be nice because that way I won’t make others feel bad, and hopefully then
they will be nice to me too!
Life at this time was going fantastic for me. I felt as
though declaring my atheism released a weight that had been holding me down and
keeping me from my full potential, and I did flourish. The day I decided God
wasn’t real everything truly did turn around for me. I went from failing
classes to straight A’s. I got a good job. I passed the state boards to become
an EMT while I was only 17. I was elected president of SADD, and inducted into
the National Honor Society. I put together a drunk driving prevention
demonstration. I was interviewed for newspapers and a radio show. I presented
my demonstration before major EMS regulatory bodies in Topeka. I was featured
on the front page of an EMS website. I
felt very respected by the community, and got involved in just about every
volunteer opportunity I could. Things couldn’t have been much better.
After going to college and joining a fraternity I found a
large group of people who felt the same way I did. Several of them had grown up
in religious private schools and were really unhappy with their religious
experiences. They were also very intellectual people. Many of them were essentially
atheists or agnostics but were afraid to take the final step and “come out”
because they were afraid of persecution. I believe I emboldened some of them to
do so by freely admitting to anyone who wanted to know that I considered myself
an atheist.
Everything was going great until college. It started with
depression that developed shortly after moving away from home. Next came the anxiety
problems. First I was diagnosed with panic disorder. This diagnosis was
crushing to me. My ego was pretty big at the time and I felt like I was way too
tough to have an anxiety disorder. Sadly things only got worse. I was stressed
out. Bad. I just didn’t know it yet. I began drinking and taking sleeping pills
at the same time every single night to get to sleep and I had some bad
experiences that left me scared.
My anxiety forced me to quit an internship and was seriously
affecting my grades. Anxiety and depression were also keeping me from
flourishing as I had done previously. I have always been an obsessive person,
and I had suspected I might have OCD since I was 16. I think my personality
made OCD inevitable for me. As I said before, I just think and think and think
and can never let anything go. Things slowly got worse for me, until my
anxieties were seriously interfering with my day to day life.
I sought help with student health services and began seeing
a psychologist and meeting with a mindfulness meditation group. At this time I
was having anxiety problems so bad I was becoming physically sick. I had
gastrointestinal problems and high blood pressure that kept me in the doctor’s
office, but the problems were all caused by chronic stress.
I would struggle
through each day, and the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that
when I was finished with my duties for the day, I could take a sweet short
vacation from my anxieties with the help of alcohol. It was my only relief, and
I began to rely on it more and more.
It was at this point when I was near completely breaking,
that I began to examine my beliefs more closely. I was consumed with thoughts
of death and needed answers. So I began reading, and then praying. I began to
notice God working in my life. It was proposed to
me that maybe OCD was God’s way of calling me back to him, and I believed it
might be true. I hoped it was true. I was told that the way to cure my OCD was
to submit myself to God, because mental disorders were all a result of sin. I
believed this too. I was at my wit’s end and needed answers. So I began calling
out to God, begging for help.
Sadly this is not the part of the story where everything
gets better. Things did improve for a while. I stopped seeing the psychologist
and began to feel better. I began reading my bible and began forming new
opinions. I discovered that science is not opposed to God; it is the study of
God’s work! Scientific findings that are unexpected need not be shunned or
feared by Christians.
OCD is a lifelong disease. It is not curable. It can be
managed effectively but at that time I did not have the tools or understanding
to live with OCD, which is why things slowly got worse. And worse. Until I was
even worse than I was before. It got so bad I was completely incapable of
functioning in my day-to-day life. I could not study for my classes. I could
barely even leave the house to make it to class. My grades obviously suffered.
I was oblivious to important things like my own finances. I simply didn’t have
the mental energy to consider them. I returned to drinking even more this time
to escape. I dropped to new lows of depression and self-loathing. It was
misery.
I blamed myself for my OCD problems getting worse. I assumed
I just wasn’t right with God somehow. I tried to be perfect, and beat myself up
for each little sin thinking that that was why I was still having anxiety
problems. At this point, I wasn’t capable of properly understanding how my
relationship with God should work and how to develop it. I put off getting real help for a long time
thinking that the only real solution to my problems was through God and that if
I sought help from a psychologist or tried medication, that would mean that
I had failed in my relationship with God. That would mean that I didn’t trust
him enough or that I gave up on him.
Eventually the only thing that got me in to see a
psychologist was a recommendation from a dear friend for a “Christian” psychologist.
She was indeed a Christian psychologist, and worked at Christian Psychological
Services. But she treated my OCD just like any secular psychologist would.
Thank God! She really knew what she was doing. I went to see a doctor and got
started on medication, and within months I felt better than ever. I feel great!
I owe my life to that wonderful woman. She released me from treatment just a
few weeks ago, and I miss her dearly.
Why did God make me suffer for so long before he finally
gave me help? If he had sent me to see that psychologist three years ago I may
have graduated from KU already. I would probably have much better grades. My
finances would be in better shape, and I probably wouldn’t have abused alcohol
so heavily. Why did I have to suffer so much for so long and see my life
crumble around me? I was supposed to get early entrance into medical school. I
was supposed to be in medical school RIGHT now!
I think God has a different view of suffering than we do. In
the western world in our comfortable homes and protected cities we do whatever
we can to avoid suffering. We do whatever we can to avoid any discomfort and
maximize our pleasure. In most of the world it is not possible to live as
comfortably as we do, and people are more accustomed to suffering.
As much as
it hurt, I have to admit that today I am a much better person. I used to be arrogant, egotistical, and judgmental. Fat?
It’s because you’re lazy. Janitor? It’s because you were too stupid to get
through college. Anxiety problems or depression? Suck it up and quit whining!
Many people think this way, and Christians can actually be the worst about
making these kinds of judgments. I have
always felt more comfortable around non-religious people because I feel they
are much more open-minded and less judgmental. Because of my experiences, I feel
that I am exceptionally good at nonjudgment now. I can be inviting and kind to
anyone, and through my own struggles in life, I have developed a real empathy
for others. Gay, straight, fat, lazy, sinner, criminal…I know life doesn’t
always work out how you planned. And I know how it feels to not fit in, and to
be judged. And I know how that makes people act.
I also know how outsiders view Christians and religion and
what they don’t like about it. I practically wrote the book on it. I also know
how Christians view outsiders and that often despite good intentions they can
be quite exclusionary. I know how as humans, none of us have it all figured
out. We all just do the best we can trying to make sense of so much conflicting
information. I have spent so much time trying to find definite answers to all
the most important questions only to end up even more confused. The one thing I
am sure of is God’s intense love for all people.
Only a few days ago, I had another epiphany. I was looking
back on my life, and thinking about how much I have learned and how much my
struggles have changed me. I saw how all my mistakes, my rebellion, and my suffering
has all led me to who I am today. I have become a person God can use. I have a
unique skillset that is valuable! I feel that God has offered me a mission,
Mission Impossible style. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to use
my experiences and strengths to demonstrate God’s undying love to everyone I
can.
I don’t believe it was a command. More of an offer. The
choice was to either stay in my comfort zone here in my comfortable house and
live out the rest of my life in stagnation, or spread my wings and fly! I am
choosing the more difficult path and stepping out of my comfort zone. I am shy
and quiet by nature, and mostly a loner, but my job is to become a beacon of
love and hope for those who need it. I have a lot of skills left to acquire to
make me good at this job, but God has been shaping me from day one. Even when I
didn’t know it.
Romans 5:3 says:
Romans 8:18 reads:
And one more--Matthew 16:24:
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 8:18 reads:
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”Our sufferings in this life may seem unbearable, but I believe they are trivial in comparison to what we have to look forward to. Suffering isn’t something to be so afraid of.
And one more--Matthew 16:24:
“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."Now I will ask him for more direction, and keep working to become the man he wants me to be. This is why I am going to Uganda. It is merely the start of a lifetime of service to God. I am excited to see how much more I can develop, and how much good I can do in the world.
